That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
