New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Randomize