you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Randomize
