dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
My Higher Power is John Stamos
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
