My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
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