I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
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