Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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