Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
