She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Randomize
