I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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