i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
