It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I'm getting married
To pizza
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
