Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
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