Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
