Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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