every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
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