I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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