Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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