Fine. I'll sleep in my office
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
