Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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