I want to have your abortion
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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