I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
