also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
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