so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Randomize
