i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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