if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
Randomize
