I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Randomize
