Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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