Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
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