Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
