you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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