When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
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