he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Randomize
