genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
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