Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
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