It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Randomize
