just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
we're making bets on your personal life
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
