somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Randomize
