you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
