True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Randomize
