The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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