I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
