Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
