Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
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