i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I think I won the penis lottery.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Randomize
