i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
stop calling my apartment porn island.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize