he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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