So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
i want to swaddle you in tequila
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
