So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
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I need you to use more vowels.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Randomize
