if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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