so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
