ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
