3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
