I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
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