So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
