How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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