Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
