if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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