I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
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