Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Randomize
