seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
