My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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