You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
