he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
