ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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