Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Randomize
